my feelings are so mixed.I'm so confused,even if everyone's there for me,I still have a war undone.I gotta fix things,but this time i'm not alone,I've got Mr. Chaw,fatin,chang hui and my family to help me talks things out,not saying I cant trust the pple who counsel me but this are the people who i trust and feel comfortable with.Change topic..just got a scanner yesterday,so i'm gonna show u some of my pics,sorry if their not clear enough,the pencil markings not strong =P













hold on








rose garden (end)

dont you all have respect?its fun joking around or making someone the centre of it?You laugh and critizes from my artwork to how I look but have you ever thought that sometimes you got to stop?its hurtful you know.You people can cry or scream at me when I'm rude to you but why cant I?Does everybody know how many times I have to fake a smile everyday,making YOU the centre of atleast my attention?From waking up every morning wanting to get to school early for a fresh new start to dreading to wake up,trying to skip class and not paying attention?do you know that?NO.you guys and ur clan just want some entertainment?How about me leaving?good enough?hope so coz i'm reakky sick of this games,I wont hesitate this time.

keeping a smile is harder than it looks..

the past 1 and half months,I,no,We regarded you as our own,i save your butt so many times its unacountable for,practically its meaningless.I defended you when they said that you touched other guys private parts,i stood up for you when people wanted t bully,and I got a couble of physical and mental blows myself from people in the past.i took the rap for you when you didnt do your duties as a monitor,and this is what you repay me.Dont get me wrong I'm not looking for attention but aleast being greatful and gracious doesnt hurt does it?I have tried to be there for you,hoping that you would change,but no,you even went to the extent of looking for a fight ad you knew what would come next.It was logical,even if you started it,I would be in the on in trouble.I know you love it,you dont feel bad about it why should you?Your laughin while playing games with your new friends..You forgot who the ones who backed you up,Guess what,while your playing happily in the daisies,my tittle,the one which i keep dear to my heart,my counsellor tittle is on the line.I may not be a counsellor any more because of your selfishness.I can asure you,your new friends is what going to make you live on the streets.

You've taken what i kept most,what else do you want?my tears of blood?

Feel as if I've been kept in the dark for sometime..I dunno whats wrong,I dunno if I lost myself,coz i feel as if one side of me want to be depressed and get to trouble and another side wants to be there for ppl and help them, but the thing is i feel as if everyone is keeping some big secret from me,I'm missing out on things I wouldnt want to,missing every moment of joy and sadness my loved ones have..as if i'm doing some big duty,and forgetting the rest.i dont want that.no matter what I'll be there for you all.I'm willing to listen ur sadness but i also need some help,well in academic wise actually,need someone to remind me to do this and that,be a critic in some ways,a true friend when i need them,something like "i scratch your back,you scratch mine"but it isnt a must mind youjuts if you want to,might be confusing but i'm letting this all out with plannin and all so if you understand thank you,if you dont try reading it again lolx all i suppose buh byes

haha,its early in the morning for god-sakes and I'm bloging!l.o.l...=.=but seriously I kinda feel blessed,all started when suhaimi kept insulting me and yesterday's yesterday,tuesday,could stand it no more..things happened so fast and than all i could remember was giving him some knee caps making him cripple..I did ask how was he's leg,but he insulted me once more..nvm bout tt..than was suppose to take my oral than was called out by teacher...blah!seriously come suey..found out that suhaimi told teacher that I hit him...Mr Silva said I gonna get suspension one way or the other..the next day,yesterday,the whole class seemed to found out that I was going to get suspension =..= and when i went to home ec to do some ang ku kueh for racial harmony they thought I went t the recovery room.Mrs kho said they were singing praises for me..touched..totally touched,some said that suhaimi started the fight by pushing me...cant remember and said that they would let me get suspened.WOW.like tt i already happy.than had volley ball touny..was a school level competion.we were in the semi final and all the sudden the referee said there had to be atleast 2 or a different malay player..WTF..than our oppenent was non other than..2e3,they kept marking at Ariyanni..would had to be in due to requirements..gosh they kept aiming at her and she was practically shock..everyone got fed up about the rules and left..could have one the game.oh well ^^" on the way home..pearline and jia qi boarded the bus.said tt I wasnt at fault and wanted to bail me out..I'm not sure about tt coz I've written my testimonal but they seemed determined.heard pearline say tt he was serious about defending me to jia qi in chinese..said to call up everyone..wow but i'm not sure if the suspension is today..Mr Silva keep delaying calling my mom to school and my suspension..man kakaka i seriously dunno how to break it to her about this..had a fight with her and just patched up..I dont know what to do now haiz well kinda umm this case early..gonna prepare my bag and have me a shower kz? byes

every time i enter the class room,something would usualy ache..and that usually is my heart.Gosh its so rowdy its embarrasing for god sake.make it worst I'm the CHAIRMAN. I thought they would make good to their vow and go through whatever it takes to get top in the school challenge...but they all forgot,the promise we all made.from top to rock bottom you can say.teachers are complaining about us and i can do absolutely nothing.Wow...thats a first..haha -.-" newayz,they choosed to be rowdy and I kept shouting over and over again till my voice became harsh.I just want to win the competition so we could go to the shella we all said we would.thats pretty far now coz 2e5 is in the LEAD.isnt life crap?once you think you've lived your life to the fullest your age can get than,everything just crumbles...within 2 months..seriously holy fuck...getting headaches and dizziness time to time..maybe cause of the PE and the over use of com..really want to fall to my knees or something...I cant push my self to my limits anymore..i'm dissapointed with that god knows how I'm gonna past my nafa..I seriously want to change everthing this year...the year that I called "the year of changes".this gotta change.cant possibly rely on other people..crap i cant.oh before i forget,I am not in a relationship with those who I treat like sisters lar...off now

I always hurt people..even when i try to help...I always hurt people i love..when i tried to be there,no one would want me..and that would remind me how usless my life has been.i keep hurting my friends..my family and especially my mom..their lifes would be better without me..

I'm seriously tired all of this nonsense.I really cant take anymore bull shit anymore.Half the class see me as the bad guy no matter what and the rest find me as the centre of jokes..I'm sick of all this.How I want to beat the crap of all who moke me but something stops me...Maybe becoz I know what I hapen if I fought...Is that why I didnt went crazy when someone swung a mental bar and my side ribs?Or maybe I'm just too soft..They know I'll do nothing to them..Cant blame them at all..but for once I wished I can sleep without having to toss and turn becoz of worry what will happen to me and what my "friends"did to me earlier.I cant.i can never have a proper sleep till I know I can solve this stupid crap coz I'm tired of playing stupid games with you all anymore..i'm gonna listen to dad and stand up straight when I fight not just a head first but with composure.I cant simply trust people as I wished to anymore..They always stab me with the trust as the dagger..through my heart,over and over again.I thought I could trust my godbrothers to back me up but all they did was laugh at me and made it worst.I thought I could trust my best friend who was like my own blood but in the end he moked me.I'm tired of waiting for my life to change..so what if I'm weak?I dont give a crap about that.I just wanna life my sec school life the fullest.even if it means by breaking the friendship of my friend(s) that I try so hard to patch.even if my heart says I cant do it..I'll wanna put my mind,soul and body to the limits...even if it means to a mental or physical breakdown..I know I'm tired but something's telling me to move on so I will until I feel of letting go of everything I made so far..and just sleep with no worries.Well its late so I g2g now buh-byes


I know that you guys look down on me for what I am and have been;
but I'll just look you guys in the eyes and let out my feeling with 2 words,"Fuck off"..

yeah you can say that..first thing when I woke up at 6.45 was that my alarm was not beside me like it was suppose to.I swore i left it beside me before i went to bed but ended in the hall.then reached school at 7.30 i was in a total omfg me late....argh!those who were late had to wait for Mr Silva.He gave a dissapointed speech and had the look to come with.i dont know wheather he was addressing me or the rest but felt bad..art.no paper i literally had to beg almost for 1 period but manage to complete 4/10 of the photos instead of doing 3.All the teacher **there were 3 that day** complimented on my drawing ^^ hahaha felt good there.Recess had T.A.F which I ran 5 laps round the school story top to bottom,sit up, push ups and yoga...shirt was totally wet.=..= . later in science Janes finger got swollen from trying to hit me..=..=" pathetic..scared it wasbroken so I offered to pay half of it..wonder how much it'll cost..suey right?then there was counselling argh..realise that the strains between my best friends were parstially came from me..I hate to admit it but I've been shutting myself up.feel totally screwy..kinda feel odd hanging out with friends because i'm like a stick in the mud.i'm there but no one want to listen to me.My friends,good friends,b.f.f's and all have new friends leaving me out.Seriously if the outcome is like that, I dont think I'd be depressed too long because i've dump for other people tons and living in my own world.But there'll be changes in my world.I'll be more down to earth.i'll pull my sock down but mess my hair.

bottled but fighting

thats the shape of the bruiset on my arm.I dunno what happened..all of a sudden the metal cage's lid fell and close and hit m arm..I swore it hit my whole arm but the strangest thign is that it oly left a stingy mark on my hand..haha.yesterday was youth day.was very awesome except the part where mdm fauziah who I hate coz body movement shows as if she the top dog of the school,back to topic she danced and dressed to the song called "hollerback"..had to take a cold shower.then there was the 70's/80's dance.Mr Alsogoff was like the main dancer gosh it was funny.a total stich through the whole concert .was suppose to count the eq. at recess but could find Suhaimi.thn after th concert he wanted to count them.i was like "da lambat nak count,pastu nak kasih Ronnie camner?" but in the end i said ok.Then he goes missing so I counted the balls and badminton and wanted to leave than he appears now I was seriously going to be late mom was waiting for me outsideand had to pick up more people so when I did leave he ask me where I was going i said home then he got angry and all and I say I got attitude.Seriously i didnt bother and left. I knew what I did was wrong but he was putting up attitude with me also what can I do.got in the car nad went to pick up my aunt and send the kids to school like usual but was TOO late and they went off so had to pick up bro.went home.flop on the bed.totally tired.did 2/2.6 earlier that day Icant remember the actual distance butMr Alsagoff said its more..The timing?12.30 mins..wah new personal recond.thanks to joel though he ran with me through out the laps.tt all then byes